I am having a baby soon. My third baby. Wow. I cannot believe that I am going to be the mother of three!
I was recently reading a blog I like, the R house and she has me linked on her site as an infertility warrior.
I was reflecting on that today.
And it is interesting how quickly we went from no kids to soon-to-be-three kids in just over 4 years.
Those almost 6 years of infertility seem so far away. I am so far removed from that experience now. And that experience was what defined me for so long.
Now, I am a mom. I feel like I am struggling mom. Trying to maintain a happy, clean, and organized house. But more importantly, trying to love and nurture my children. Trying to say more positive things to my children than negative. Trying to let go a little more and not fret over little things. Trying to be more patient. Trying to live by example (Eve says and does a lot of things that I know she learns from my example and that really freaks me out because I don't like some of those things...) I feel like my goals to be a good parent are often not met.
Anyway, this pregnancy has been harder. I don't know if it's because I have 2 kids already or what. But these last few weeks have been pretty uncomfortable and sometimes painful.
I feel like there is a brick sitting on my pubic bone. My back is achy. I am HUGE and my whole body feels cumbersome. I have gained nearly 55 lbs.
My face has become swollen and pasty. I have horrible pimples all over my shoulders and back. My feet and hands are tight and sore from swelling. Last night my hand became numb and fell asleep like 3 times. Every time I woke up, my left hand was sore and numb and tingly. I waddle everywhere and feel like my hips are going to just fall apart. I am also more cranky and less patient with everyone (just ask Russell.)
However, no matter how horrible I make it sound, I relish it. Not that I like everything about the aches and pains and swelling and such, but I like pregnancy as a whole. I love that I am able to be pregnant. I love that my body is a vessel for another human being. I love that Heavenly Father has blessed me with an abundance of fertility that at one point seemed impossible.
I love that my body is big and swollen with new life.
I am a bit concerned about Zeke. He is just my little clinging koala boy. He loves me to hold him. He loves to have my attention. And I love that he loves me so much. But I worry about the transition when baby comes.
I look at these two and think how excited I am to have another one. How wonderful it will be to meet her. To get to know her. To see what she looks like and to name her. I think about how much I love Eve and Zeke and how I feel like my heart is just expanding, making room for more love for this little one. I am also looking forward to our home birth plans. We set up the birth tub and are preparing for a great experience. I am excited to have the baby to rid myself of all the pelvic pressure and other pains I am having. I am excited to just have her here and be done with this gestation. At the same time I feel like I am on the verge of something life changing. Something that will totally alter my universe. As I do daily tasks around the house I wonder how I will possibly do the same things with three children. With a newborn for that matter.
And then I just think that it will all be okay. And that I want this. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. We fought infertility to get to where we are today and I am so grateful for this opportunity.
This post of random musings brought to you by the slightly hormonal and crazy-emotional thoughts of a 37 week pregnant woman.
8 comments:
Beeca, I loved this blog post! As you know I too suffered with infertility. followed by two sets of twins! I can relate to the many emotions you express! I loved my pregnancies even though both were very challenging. Especially Sheldon and Shiree's when I spent 2 months in the hospital. I would not take a billion dollars in exchange for one moment of either pregnancy. I wanted a home/tub birth both times but due to my high risk pregnancies and especially the 2 nd one where I had to get a cerclage (sp) where they stiched my cervix to keep the babies in. That would be the one thing I would like to change....to not be high risk and deliver at home. I am so happy for you and Russell. Heavenly Father has blessed you many times over. Remember he knows you are good enough, spiritual enough and wise enough to bring his children to this world and love and teach them the true way back to him. You are a wonderful, beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father! So Arise and go forth and he will bless you for your dutiful labors! I love and miss you greatly and pray that many more spirits will be sent to you and Russell!
Janice Sparto
I had no idea that you had struggled with infertility. We became online "friends" after you had already started your beautiful family. I can tell, though, that you are a fabulous mother. I am so happy for you!! And excited! I should be heading to Twin here in the next month and I would love to see you and meet your little ones!
Is Zeke having a sympathetic pregnancy? He kind of looks pregnant in that picture lying next to you. You and Russell are definitely catching up in the children department!
You are such an awesome mommy!! It's crazy how much has happened in such a short time. 3 kids!!! So crazy. How amazing to go from fertility problems to being days away from delivering another perfect baby in the comfort of your own home : ) I hope to follow in your footsteps soon!!
I LOVE this post. It's hard to believe I had the same feelings going on less than 4 months ago...and I still have some of them. You'll be a great mother of 3! The one thing I have noticed is that kids seem to remember the good over the bad. When Wyatt talks about the past it's always about the happy moments...not the times I've lost my temper or been a complete crank. Can't wait to see pictures of the new little girl!
BIG SIGH.
I HEAR YOU SISTER. Sheesh, do I hear you! You're amazing and beautiful and a real hero. Love you.
You always inspire me to be stronger. You are so enthusiastic, happy, and wonderful. You are a fantastic mother and your children and husband are so lucky to have you. You're in the home stretch so hold on! xox
I enjoyed reading this. I felt and feel some of the exact things you wrote. I had 13 years of infertility, where I had long come to terms with NOT having a child, then a blessing. I had a love/despair relationship with pregnancy. I did not have the same pregnancy side effects as you, but rather I thought I looked HOT and sexy and I had curves, my skin glowed with the increased blood volume, and the boob fairy paid me a visit! I thought how amazing it was to feel a baby growing and kick. BUT, I also had bed rest and too much time to be fearful, sad for the (thoughts) of losing ME and being a mom. Worries about her growing right, worries about her future, my ability to mother, etc, etc. I even worried that I would not love my dogs anymore after she was born because I didn't think I had the capacity to add love, just replace love. I learned that was not true. I learned that I am a good mom, I learned that I can do hard things. I learned there is enough of me to go around. I am still learning to find time to be just me sometimes, not just mom and wife. I also learned that being a mom is a high calling, and I love all of it, even when i don't like some of it.
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